Battlefield
by Aayvee
Summary: A short chronicle of Ike's adventures after leaving tellius. TWOshot. humorous
1. Chapter 1

**Aayvee: **and so, the hiatus ends. And I come back with...this? Yeah, I know. It was a random Idea, And I wanted to get it down before inspiration left me. See what happens on Ike's adventure out of Tellius. Not meant to be taken seriously. Bonus Points If you guess what's going on before paragraph 14...

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Disclaimer: aayvee doesn't own the rights to fire emblem, yo! Fo-shizzle

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**Battlefield**

Ike opened his eyes and found himself in a place quite different than the one he had fallen asleep too. Only recently, it seemed to him, he had set off from the land of Tellius, where he had lived most of his life, to try to find any new places and things. By the looks of the current setting, one would say he had succeeded.

"I'm on…land. Wasn't… I Sailing?

He said this in the realization that his sailboat, which he had set off on his journey in,

was nowhere to be found. Naturally, this was a strange occurrence, as sailboats are very large and not easily lost. He got up, with a groan, and looked around. He saw nothing.

He decided that the best thing to do would be to survey the area, to maybe get a clue as to how he got here. From the looks of it, he was on some sort of landmass that was covered in stone ruins. It all seemed normal so far. It was then that he noticed the three floating platforms directly above him! 00

"_Whoa!_ We don't have _those_ in Tellius! "

He spent a few minutes trying to find out how this feat was achieved. Eventually he resigned himself to the fact that the laws of physics must be different in this world.

"as soon as I find any locals, I'm going to have to ask about that…"

He started walking along the stone path, searching for any signs of civilization. As he approached the edge of the area he was on, and he came to another shocking realization: the platform was floating in the air too! o0

His mind was boggling beyond all recognition (as anyone's would), so he sat down behind one of the pillars to try to figure this out.

"Am I… dead?" He thought, registering that this was very likely what the afterlife could look like.

However, he didn't have any time for such existential questions, as a large dragon (!) appeared out of nowhere and released a Large jet of flame his way. He quickly dodged, ducking behind one of the pillars just in the knick of time.

"Hey, there are Laguz here!" he exclaimed, happy that something similar to things in Tellius despite the fact that it had just tried to kill him.

A man wearing a dark blue jumpsuit and light body armor appeared out of nowhere and, not saying anything save for a battle cry, began fighting the creature. Ike watched this from behind his cover, not sure of what to do.

"I'm not sure what a Laguz is, my friend, but _that_ isn't one of them." Said a gruff voice to his right.

Ike quickly turned realizing that there was someone else hiding behind the pillar as well. He was a rather ragged looking man, wearing green camouflage and a distinctive blue headband.

"You new here?" he said.

Ike simply nodded in response.

"The name's Snake, and this is the _battlefield_, so Keep your wits close. You have any experience in battle?"

"Yes. I am Ike leader of the greil mercenaries, hailing from the land for Tellius. I only say that because this does not seem to be the same place." Ike replied, looking around. "what about You?"

"Hehehe, well your right, this isn't Tellius. It isn't where I come from either: I am former agent of the United States government. I've seen just about everything there is to see on the battlefield."

"Uh-huh" said Ike, incredulous. "Have you ever seen a guy with a 20 foot sword riding a dragon?"

"Quiet!" he yelled out, as a blast of flame shot their way. Snake pushed the both of them down just in time.

"Uhh, no, actually." He said afterward.

"Hehehe…" he laughed. "Achem…(clears throat) so, what exactly is this place?

"Well, uhhh…I don't really know myself. We fight here. That's all there is too it."

There was a pause between them, as sounds of the battle going on behind them drifted over the wall. They peered over it to see how things were going.

"So, which one of those two is on our side?" Ike whispered to Snake.

"That guy" he said, pointing to the man in the jumpsuit.

"Show me ya moves!" the man said, just before he was hit from behind by a flying rock and sent flying.

"DAMN! Well, he isn't anymore..." snake said, and paused to think of a solution.

"I'm going to rush him. Stand back!"

"No". Ike said. "I can help, I've taken on dragons before. Besides, we'll do better if we stick together."

"Rah… fine then. Let's move!"

They both burst out into the open at the same time. Ike charismatically unsheathed his sword while snake whipped out a grenade and pulled the pin. The Charizard turned around to face them.

"Charizard, use flamethrower attack!" said a kid wearing a red hat and holding what looked like a multicolored ball

"That child over there is controlling it. SHEILD!!"

At the trainer's command, the dragon creature spit out a giant ball of fire towards them. Snake spontaneously produced a red field of protective energy around himself. Ike had no idea how this happened, so it was he took the full force of the blast. Strangely, he seemed to feel no pain (although he did feel a slight bit lighter…)

"Why didn't you block that!?" Snake said, after the flames stopped.

"Uh… I can't block fire with a sword?" Ike replied.

"Damn!" snake shouted to no-one in particular. "He's CPU controlled!!

Ike didn't know what this meant either, but he disregarded it, as the battle was at hand. The strangely dressed child in the background was indeed controlling the creature, but for some reason Ike was unable to attack him.

Snake wound up and threw his grenade at the pokemon, knocking it down.

"Now's our chance! He yelled out, charging forward. He then ran up, grabbed the creature by the neck, and threw it high into the air.

"_Wow… that dude is strong!"_

It was his turn. As the pokemon flew down, Ike caught it in the air with an upward slash to finish it off. Instead of slicing it open, as he expected, his slashes seemed to instead send it flying off the platform, where it exploded once it got slightly out of eye range. This seemed to take care of the weird kid too, who disappeared a few seconds after the blast.

"Whew, nice one." They high-fived each other. "What did you say your name was?

"Ike."

"Nice name… Now, what were we talking about?"

"You were just about to tell me about your career?"

"Heh, well then, let me tell you about me…"

They then proceeded to have a long and drawn out conversation about each other's lives, about war and about personal experiences. It was very sentimental, and not really suited to the random nature of this story, so the details will be left out. They continued this for a while; until a strange, round object floating around behind them caught Ike's notice.

"And then these ravens came and ate the guy…"

"Uh-huh interesting …_drools… _Hey, what's that?" he said, pointing to the flying Orb.

"Oh, that? That's just a Smash-Ball…. A SMASH BALL!! GET IT, QUICK!!

He then spontaneously burst into a sprint in the direction of this "Smash-Ball". But suddenly, a somewhat effeminate looking teenager wielding a short-sword and sporting a gold tiara busted out of nowhere and grabbed it first.

"Yeayas!" he cheered. (1.)

"NOOOOOOOO!!" Snake yelled, turning around and running in the other direction.

But it was too late, as it turned out, as this new guy thrusted his sword to the sky in a sort of victory pose, and proceeded to totally 0wn Snake with an extremely fast slashing attack that sent him flying (and shrieking) off the platform. Snake didn't blow up, like the dragon, but he did seem to violently bounce of off an invisible wall in front of them, after which he fell to his doom below.

"Critical Hit!" the swordsman yelled, thrusting his hand triumphantly in the air. He turned to Ike.

Their eyes locked, like in those western movies where the two guys are about to have a gunfight.

"So… you're a swordsman too, eh? Ike says

"You monster, you killed my only connection to this strange world…" he paused for a bit of emotional tension. "YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!!"

The man smiled. "You may be next-gen, whelp, but I'll show you an ass kicking like you've never seen! HAVE AT YOU!!"

Ike didn't know what "next-Gen" meant either, but he knew fighting words when he heard them. Both of the swordsmen charged in a mad frenzy equivalent to that of two wolverines fighting over a Philly Cheese-Steak. Both of them were quite equally matched. Ike would hit Marth with an Aether (which he noticed had gotten considerably weaker) to the chin, but Marth would come right back with a powerful stab to the spleen. Neither of them could find an opening, but the great weight of Ragnell was beginning to wear Ike down…

Finally, the two juggernauts cornered each other on the top platform. Marth began to charge up his attack, and Ike saw his opportunity. As soon as the dude released the attack, Ike used a guard move and sent it right back at him!

This turned out to be of small consolation, as Ike found himself striking at open air.

"Huh? Where did he go?"

As soon as the dude disappeared, a sword appeared through the bottom of the platform and struck him in the foot. Normally this would have been a small injury for him, but this time he felt an immense pain and found himself zooming very fast away from the arena.

_Did he just… Aghh… fall through the floor? _He thought, pondering how this could be possible without breaking the floor itself.

"That's why I'm tier one!!" was the last thing he heard before he disappeared in a spark of light… (2.)

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Well, there you have it. Aayvee wastes all his spring break writing time on this garbage. In truth, I was actually getting my butt in gear and gave my self a writing schedule (30 minutes a day), but then I was hit by a bad case of Carpal-tunnel. Yeah, I now have an exuse. luckily I finished this already, so part 2 will be up by tommorrow. ) ;)

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1.) This is not a typo (though it definitely isn't a word either). It is meant to be pronounced the same as "yes", but with a weird accent. I've been getting knocked for my grammar recently, so I thought I should let you guys know that, just to be safe.

2.) He is tier one, isn't he?


	2. Chapta' 2

So here we are at chapter 2. In response to fhggh, my first anonymous reviewer: yes, It is more about Super Smash Bros., but I am going to keep it here because It would be too hard to induct myself into a new fandom (i.e. I'm lazy). so enjoy ...

**Chapter 2: The Stand**

(standard Disclaimers apply)

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Ike opened his eyes and found himself in a place quite different than the one he had _died_ to.

"Agh…What. Just. Happened?" He said, scratching his head. He had an intense splitting headache, a product of a fight he only vaguely recalled. He found himself in a sitting position, even though he was distinctly aware that he had just taken a 1,000-foot drop off a floating platform…

He opened his eyes with a jerk.

He was sitting in what looked like a small hospital waiting room. To his right, there was a table stocked with unappealing magazines ("golf-digest" and "vogue" weren't really his thing), and a snooty looking receptionist sat at the counter. There was a jittery looking man in green overalls and an easily excitable pink rubber-ball thing sitting in the chairs next to him.

"HIIII!!"

Now very certain that this was the afterlife, Ike decided to talk to the receptionist was the best way to get the details.

"Hello, um, can you tell me what this place is?"

The receptionist looked up, and, in a nasally accent, said: "Do you haaaaave an appointment? (1.)

"Um, no. I need to know what this place is. Is this the afterlife?"

"HIIII!!"

"No this is a waaaiting room"

"Well, I kinda figured that. But for what?"

"HIIII"

" Um, Excuuuuse me for a second."

The receptionist pulled a large lever behind the counter, which opened up a trap door underneath the pink thing. The thing immediately fell at fast pace; everybody in the room looked over. After a few seconds, a small "thud" was heard, and everyone went back to their business. The man in the green got a little more jittery.

"Aaanyway, as I was saying, this is a waaaaiting room for smash battles. You just got done with one, so you're going to have to waaaaait a little bit"

"But I don't want to get into another fight, I want to know what's going on!!"

"I'm saaary air, but I can't help you unless you have an appointment; Neeeext!

"Wait, You can't just!..." he protested

"NEEEEEEEXT!!"

"argghhhh!!"

"Don't bother reasoning with her, it's no use" said a strange, mysterious voice behind him.

Ike turned around. This newcomer was a tall, lanky looking Asian man wearing a business suit and dark sunglasses.

"Who are you?"

"I am Shouzou Kaga, creator of the Fire Emblem series, which you happen to be a part of."

Ike, now thoroughly annoyed at each new mystery, folded his arms in contempt

"Funny, a moment ago I was pretty sure that I was from Tellius, not "fire emblem", and Tellius was created by the goddess Asherauna. But today has been a really weird day, so I'm open to anything."

The mystery man smirked. "You sound doubtful. Here, I can prove it to you." The man snapped his fingers: On cue, a dark skinned man in orange armor (who looked very spaced out) poofed in from out of nowhere into the room.

"Devdan does not remember being in a waiting room."

"Oh, yeah, I remember that guy, he was in my army. He was kinda weird though. So you created Tellius?! Then help me get back! This place is a mad house!" He ran forward and started clinging desperately to Mr. Kaga's shirt

"Whoa, easy, easy! It's not that easy, you see… your entire life, from the mad king's war to that whole business with Ashera, has been a video game. Two, to be specific. Video games are, how shall I say, "virtual worlds", which are, well, "controlled" by antisocial teenagers in the United States and other countries. Your last two video game outings, have, how should I say… ended. The only way for your normal life to continue is if they make another sequel to the series."

"And what does that make this place?"

"This is another video game, but not from your series. This is a game where people from other series' are put together in the same place in order to fight to the death. Over and over and over."

"I see." Ike thought. "So, how does one go about getting a _sequel_?"

Mr. Kaga smiled "You catch on quick, don't you?"

"Like I said, I'm open to anything today."

"I see. Well, to answer your question, I have a task for you that I need some help with. I'm sure that it will increase your chances of getting back home, too."

"_Sigh… _What do I have to do?"

"You know that swordsman you fought just a little bit ago?"

"The one with the hair-band?"

"Yes, that's the one. He is another creation of mine. But he is becoming too powerful, defeating everyone in his path. I fear that if this continues, he may break the delicate balance of power in this game. I need a swordsman of your caliber in order to take him on. Chances are that if you are the character that can defeat him, your P.R. with the gaming public will increase, and the gaming community will demand a sequel! What do you say?"

He thought for a few moments. "Fine, I'm in. I have a bone to pick with that punk anyway." He said, cracking his knuckles for effect.

"Great, great…" Mr. Kaga replied happily.

"Devdan would like to know what is going on." Devdan said, more perplexed than he normally was

"Whoa, almost forgot about him." Mr. Kaga said. He snapped his fingers again, poofing Devdan out of the room.

"Isn't that kind of a mean thing to do to him?" Ike questioned.

"The way we wrote his character, chances are he won't remember this at all."

"I see…" Ike said, nodding in agreement.

"Now, on to business; He beat you last time you faced him, right?"

"Right…"

"Well then, I have a solution. Come with me" he snapped his fingers again, this time bringing them into one of those blank white rooms, like that one in the matrix.

"This is where we will train you in the art of smash bros. you will learn the basic moves, how to shield and dodge, and how to use those smash balls, etc. you almost beat Him the first time, so you really only need to know the minimum to get yourself going."

"Right." Ike said. "And who is going to teach me that?"

"We have brought in a special person to supervise you're training. Ike, meet _Lewis…_

On cue, a very nerdy looking teenager with bottle nosed glasses and a bad case of acne walked over to the pair.

"O.M.G!! It's Ike, from PoR and Rd!! Oh gosh, I play your games all the time, I as so excited when I heard you were in brawl, I…"

"As you can see," Mr. Kaga said, holding his hand up to cut him off, "He is extremely qualified I this feild. Now, when do you want to begin?"

"The Sooner the Better." Ike responded, coolly and badassly.

"Great, great." Mr. Kaga said. "Then we will."

And so they did. Ike and Lewis trained day and night, in a montage sequence of obstacle courses, weight lifting rooms, and distance runs. "Eye of the Tiger" was inexplicably playing in the background. This goes on for about two days nonstop, until…

"He is ready!" said Lewis, sweating more than Ike was.

"I agree, I think I can take him." He banged his hand on his chest in an expression of manliness.

"Okay, than let's get this goin'.

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**The Battlefield, outside…**

Marth stood alone on the field, surrounded by the corpses of his fallen foes.

"I am the greatest! Hahaha!" he exclaimed, nonchalantly smashing two young Eskimos away.

"Not so fast, princess!" Ike shouted, emerging triumphantly from the background.

Marth spun around, furious. "Who's the dead man that said that?!"

"I am Ike, and my arrival marks your doom!" He pulled Ragnell out of its sheath and watched it glitter in the sun. "It's time to finish this!!"

They both flew together, shouting battle cries, but this time Ike was ready. As soon as Marth slashed, Ike blocked it and struck with a powerful counterattack that sent him sailing. He then picked a conveniently placed capsule off of the ground and threw it. It hit him dead on, sending him.

"ARRRGGGHHH!! You'll… Pay… For THIS!" Marth screamed as he flew past the level's boundaries, and was vaporized in the subsequent explosion.

Ike took a moment to rest. "I… I did it, didn't I?" he said, on his hands and knees. It took a few moments for the "Whew… wait this means, I'M THE BEST!!" he shouted out in exaltation.

"Hey, good-a job. You finally beat that a-crazy man. HIGH FIVE!" Mario said happily, appearing out of nowhere to congratulate him. Several other smash cast members emerged from behind rocks and such, also jubilant that the reign of terror was over.

"Yeah, I did, didn't I…" He froze. It was at this moment that Ike glimpsed what looked like a small bomb _WITH LEGS_ walking around nonchalantly in the background. Already reeling from all that had happened over the past few days, the sight of this LSD inspired freak object finally pushed Ike over the edge.

"Quiet, you!" he yelled, not remembering what had been going on. "You will Bow to me! I AM YOUR NEW MASTA'!!" he shouted hysterically. He then began to systematically attack any and every character present, repelling their feeble counterattacks and raving like a madman.

"HEEEELLLLPPPPP!!" screamed Mario, before being sent flying to his firey death

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Mr. Kaga watched the massacre from his television in the white room

"_Drat. As one empire ends, so another begins. It seems I miscalculated the mental integrity of our champion._" He thought to himself, the screams echoing in the background.

"Time for plan B." He thought. "We need someone who is, "nicer". Hmmmm.

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**Later…**

"So will you accept our quest?" Mr. Kaga said desperately to the newcomer.

"I don't know," the incredulous man said. "Devdan does not like Violence"(2)

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So there you have it. I decided to do this mostly because i was noticing that a lot of "serious" authors had some very funny oneshots hidden in their archives. I promise to only work on my other stories from here on out. Hope you enjoyed this, and sayonara!

(1.) again, not a typo.

(2.) I wonder what his final smash would be. probably the same as luigi's...

(3.) credit for these little numbers goes to Aquatic-Idealist, which is some thing I wish I thought of. Thanks, man!


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